


It's knowing I'm not shackled

by vindice



Series: the tulips that grow within my garden [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Multi, Other, Queerplatonic Relationships, Remembering Past Lives, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-10 03:31:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14729135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vindice/pseuds/vindice
Summary: Of all the things that could have happened, of all the lives that could have come, Ensui wonders even when he already knows the answer, why exactly was the one where he killed hundreds that showed up.





	It's knowing I'm not shackled

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Authorship](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Authorship/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Yeah, Kunai are cool but have you had dessert?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704930) by [Authorship](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Authorship/pseuds/Authorship). 



> [ _deadpan_ ] It’s been less than 24hrs without properly talking to Torship and I was already missing her five minutes in. _Troublesome._
> 
> Not what I’d have liked to be my first gift for you, least of all _for your birthday_ , but since it wouldn’t leave my mind... Happy Birthday Honey! [♡](https://haikyuumon.tumblr.com/post/174141364209/lunoboom-dean-martin-gentle-on-my-mind)

“ _Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess._ ”

— Lemony Snicket. 

 

* * *

 

There is a leak above his head.

It drips briskly from the damaged threshold he’s sitting under, falls into his tee and slips down his spine. Not that it matters, with the puddle surrounding him, the water pouring onto him and the blunt ends of the rubble digging sharply through the clothing into his skin.

Lightning illuminates the sky, and the ground underneath vibrates just as much as the margins of the threshold do with the force of the thunder deafening his ears. There’s a vague hint of detachment buzzing against his teeth, that even knowing the coincidental dangers of being on the rooftop at this exact moment doesn’t make him flinch.

It feels as if the storm was waiting to be stirred synchronized with all the swirling thoughts wandering his mind. Of all the things that could have happened, of all the lives that could have come, Ensui wonders even when he already knows the answer, why exactly was the one where he killed hundreds that showed up.

 _It’s not that is traumatic_ , he thinks as he draws his legs close to his chest. His hands wrap loosely around his knees, and even he can see that line of thought is a little concerning. But that has already happened, and even if it was him, it was the him of that life, not himself of this time.

It’s not as if his other self had wanted to, either—he understood the concept of survival and military dictatorship. Really, it’s just a matter of logic. Why cry over spilled milk?

He knows why that life, out of so many he surely lived up. Ensui has always known, even if subconsciously.

It’s because of that part within himself that felt like a question mark scribbled repeatedly up until now, achingly familiar and yet so foreign.

When he lived in the orphanage, he always felt like something was missing. Now he knows what it was—Aunt Yoshino’s temper and her gentle smile, the weight of Uncle Shikaku’s hand on his shoulder and the pride in his eyes. Ino and Chouji and Shikamaru sleeping over at his small apartment after he moved out of the Clan Compound, Mikoto-shishou’s delighted expression when he solved a particular piece of a case before the Uchiha currently at charge did.

They were what was missing, what his heart was keening and mourning for.

But they weren’t here. Ensui has spent the whole day sitting on the remains of his fractured childhood, before the rain started half an hour ago, wrecking his brains and trying to catch a glimpse of them in the sole place he lived great part of his life but that now is only such a strange concept.

They’re not here and he’s alone.

A sweet smile pops into his mind, followed by dark eyes shining like obsidians. No, not alone. The smell of strawberries and vanilla, smoke and freshly cut grass—Kiharu and Shisui, the only thought that soothed his tired mind.

(Both of them, who were the first persons to ever show him kindness, to give him the chance no one ever really bothered to.)

Shisui a breath of fresh air, and Ki-chan pure compressed laughter, that together they are oh so bright and warm and tender. They are his safe haven and his pillar of strength, and also the reason he doesn’t really care being back to the place that hurt him so much.

Because they’re helping him heal. And maybe he’s not _there_ yet, but they’re all trying. They taught him about affection, about gentleness and how to be confident, and with them he’s learned that it’s okay to be ripped at every edge—that it didn’t entirely mean he would cut them.

With them he learned about love; that love is someone softly muttering encouraging words in your ear at four in the morning when you’re having a panic attack. And love is someone looking at you with gratitude in their eyes, and having the sudden epiphany that they’re grateful to have _you_ on their life. That love is not minding if they slam the door in your face, because you better than anyone know it is their default mode to protect themselves. Love is caring and worrying about someone when they leave the apartment angry after getting into an argument with you. Is loving every single part of someone when they hate themselves.

That love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to. Not because they owe you that for trusting them, but because it’s clear they love you back, even when you weren’t expecting anything in return.

(He wonders…)

The waterdrops hit his skin sharply, and he’s shivering, he knows, he can feel it under the vibrations at his back. But he’s not cold, he doesn’t feel cold, and maybe that’s a sign of how long he must’ve been up there.

That’s how Shisui finds him. Trying to get up. His limbs are numb and his knees are weak, but Ensui has always been stubborn so it doesn’t deter him. Shisui is next to him in an instant—of course he is.

He didn’t even seem strained after jumping over the debris scattered around and the jog he most certainly took to get to the second floor of the orphanage. Knowing him, Ensui’s certain his partner took the stairs two at a time to get quicker to where he was.

Shisui tightens his hold around his waist, and Ensui squeezes his shoulder gratefully. They don’t talk, but he can see from the corner of his eye the way his partner’s lips are firmly set in a line. 

 _Troublesome_.

They take the short route back, stopping at moments inside twenty-four hour stores so Ensui can regain a little of his mobility. When they get home, Kiharu is already waiting for them at the entrance. The door’s wide open and the extended roof he and Shisui added a month after moving in together is barely keeping the rain from getting inside. It’s really dark, which confirms his suspicions about a blackout. Instead, her figure is highlighted by the candlelight coming from the living room, outlining soft curves and tense shoulders, and his breath catches in his throat loudly. Or maybe that was Shisui. It wouldn’t be the first time it happens.

Ki-chan is beautiful, he knows and makes sure to let her know. He might not be involved with her and Shisui the way they are with each other, but he’s never deprived any of them of knowing what he thinks about them, how he feels about them.

His thoughts come to a halt when his eyes settle on her face, though, just as lightning strikes and illuminates her features, which are marred with concern.

The stab of guilt hits him, but he doesn’t regret going back to that place. It gave him time, it gave him privacy, and most importantly, it gave him closure.

And maybe it’s reflected on his face, or perhaps they just know him that well—they do—but he knows they are aware of that fact.

Kiharu straightens and turns around, both of them following close behind. They take off the shoes and Shisui leads him through the hall that divides the living room from the kitchen, the bedrooms from the closet and the bathroom. He knows they’re directing him to the last one.

A rechargeable lamp already illuminates the room, and the change in atmosphere is immediate. It’s warmer in here, and when he looks down at the bathtub it’s already filled halfway with hot water.

Something in his chest tightens and his eyes sting, and when Shisui helps him into the tub, clothes still on, it comes loose.

The tears roll down his face, slipping past his lips, and a lone sob is thorn from his throat. He blinks the salty drops away and tries to dry them off, but he only manages to splash his friends. It makes him laugh and that somehow makes it worse, because the laugh turns into a grimace and the grimace into a heartfelt pout.

Kiharu smiles at him, small and private and warm, Shisui’s hands settled firmly on his shoulders but holding him softly, and maybe this life started with the wrong foot, but thanks to it he met them again. So he squeezes his best friend’s arm and smiles at the other piece of their soul, and not for the first time in forever he really feels like he belongs.

Ensui breathes. It feels like redemption.

**Author's Note:**

> “I’m going to fall asleep at any moment,” I say, as I sneakily post this while answering her messages and logging out. 
> 
> I hope you like it.♡
> 
> I wanted to write something portraying Ensui’s relationships with several people, but as always this ended up more introspective than I had planned to. [ _chuckles._ ]


End file.
